Psych Patient, MD: From The Beginning

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-01 06:27:39
Hey Eva!

I just learned something new about you, my friend!

My mother was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic many, many years ago. She's with God now, but it was a very difficult illness to cope with. Even though she didn't live with us (my father had to divorce her when the insurance stopped paying for the sanitariums so she could get more help). He had 6 of us to raise! The whole thing totally tore him apart as nothing he did helped her to get better. I know they loved each other till the day they died. :)

She suffered the trauma of losing her firstborn when he was only 5 (hit by a drunk driver) and that's when she became sick. Of course, 65 years ago they knew almost nothing about the illness and she was exposed to shock treatments which did not help, maybe made it worse. For all those years, she was a guinea pig for any new medicine that came out. I sometimes think that maybe if she hadn't been on so many different drugs all the time, she may have gotten better.

The last 20 years or so, she seemed to stabilize a little but still needed a caretaker. It's such a SAD, cruel disease, IF that's what it really was. It almost seemed like a possession to me when I was small - I guess because of the personalities. She seemed to be someone else most of the time.

Has anyone found anything that works very well for that type of illness or are they still "testing"?

Comment posted by inforeso at 2005-06-01 08:45:27
My good friends. Learned a lot from you two lately and now even more. Guess we were drawn to each other. My brother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in his teens. Been pretty much watching out for him ever since. Still nothing that works well. Meds get changed as new ones come out, but it doesn't seem to make much difference. I'm his caregiver, once again, as I have been, for the last 3 years and off and on all my life, as I have been mom to my family since I was 7. As for myself, I too walk a path of quiet desperation with bipolar disorder. We are not rarities, who knows maybe we are the norm. Career has been varied, first taught at the local university and then did applied research in organic chemistry until physical disease brought it all to a screehing halt. Ironic isn't it? Those years when outwardly successful and all seemed well, colleagues and friends never knew my desperation and accepted me as normal. Now, when that disease has devastated me, physically restricting movement and speech, I am abnormal to all but my own children. Life is life, to be lived to the fullest, and I have found that if I take that first step each day, neither the mental nor the physical matters. I am me and that is enough.

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-01 11:21:53
Have you seen the movie "A Beautiful Mind"? Russell Crowe was brilliant in it, and Ron Howard is a sweetheart for bringing the story to the screen. Excellent portrayal of paranoid schizophrenia. Gotta see it!

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-01 17:15:12
Hey Karen, we learn from each other; I've learned a lot from you, too! No one knows what "normal" is, I don't let the 'experts' tell me. Your heart and soul seem above average to me! :) All those things you go through ... they've made you the person you are today and that's wonderful. We're all souls borrowing these human bodies anyway (such as they are) :) so when we're done with them, we'll go on and meet together on the other side!

Comment posted by sol_trader at 2005-06-01 21:21:57
Wow, Eva! Great Blog! I can see there is potential to help people in what you are doing here, congratulations. I'm not really sure where I fit into this conversation yet, but I have 'Bookmarked' and I will return regularly to read with interest. Gina and Karen, awesome sharing! I am constantly surprised, when having spent time with people, how little you can really know about folks. It brings to mind something that I heard at some seminar one day. I believe there were probably ten thousand people in the conference and the speaker said, "If everyone in the room could give away their biggest problem, what would it be? And if I asked you to write that on a piece of paper and we put all of those problems into a big barrel up here on the stage. Then I would ask each one of you to come up here and take a piece of paper with a new problem. Once you see that other person's problem, you would be kicking and screaming trying to get your own piece of paper back!" ---- We just never know about other people's life experience until they are willing to share it with us! Thank you all for sharing.
Bruce

Comment posted by integrity at 2005-06-02 17:39:20
Hi Eva! Wow! On April 11th 1989, I checked myself into a treatment centre! I came to the conclusion that alcoholics (not to be confused with clickaholics) need help with mental health. I felt I wasn't like all the others in the program, but realized very shortly how similar we all were. I was more fortunute than others in that I had a good job, loving family with lots of support. I have been blessed with 16 and some years of sobriety!

Everyone needs help at some point. My heart goes out to anyone that is down and out. My wife wants me not to take money when I drive the city bus because there is always someone who needs it more than me. I guess I feel very fortunate that I was able to get help just like how fortunate you are. There are many less fortunate that don't realize or don't want to admit. They are the ones who I feel sorry for.

Great site, Eva.

Comment posted by Palser at 2005-06-04 10:20:20
Hi Eva,

It is with great sadness, yet a warm feeling to express the thought towards your situation. Sometimes we wonder why bad things happen to good people. I know you've been keeping this feeling inside you for sometime, but just remember. Everything that happens has its purpose. Bless.

Comment posted by tulip at 2005-06-03 15:19:18
Hi Eva, great Blog. I realize it isn't easy to take this step but I think you will help a lot of people by starting your Blog. We have experienced it in the past in our family, we were sad to see that bipolarity was not understood by some family members.

Comment posted by lizklub at 2005-06-16 09:09:55
I have been diagnosed with depression & anxiety, too. Then recently I discovered I have essential tremors, a hereditary disease for which there is no cure. Finding other family members who have it at a family reunion last summer made me feel better about myself. I was afraid to go out in public cuz my hands shake when I eat, write, etc. My meds control it somewhat, but not completely.

Comment posted by tulip at 2005-06-05 14:17:45
Hi Eva,
I want to let you know you have touched me today with your post. My story may be not the same as yours, but I think I do understand what you mean, how it feels to have knowledge about your health and to be a patient. It can make you feel rebellious sometimes. I worked as a nurse for 12 years, then I had to stop working because of health problems. I always told my patients the Do and Don't rules but I have to admit I wasn't so precise with my own Do and Do not Doctors advice. Now 20 yrs later I have learned to accept I cannot do everything I would like to do, but that doesn't mean I like it...Sometimes in my head is a little voice that says "you can do it" but my body tells me another story. When I don't listen and go on, I will have to pay for it by being wiped out for a few days. Anyway isn't there a saying Doctors and nurses make the worst patients? Eva, as long as we know ourselves and accept we need some help in life, it is gonna be OK.

God Bless,
Isabella Vreeken

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-05 14:59:12
Thank you, Isabella.

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-05 18:31:59
Wow, Eva, You are brutally honest with your feelings! Please be kind to yourself, as you are to your friends. You SO MUCH deserve it.

Comment posted by Dwhyl at 2005-06-06 21:41:29
Great courage, Eva. That is what I see in your post. Being able to admit what you're going through to the whole world is bravery at its best. I know, too, what some of your feelings are. After being shot 20 some years ago, I have had many difficult times fighting with myself on various issues. I praise you for your honesty.
Dwhyl (Dennis)

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-07 13:07:31
Excellent reading, as usual, Eva. I have a friend who's been very depressed for years, but will not acknowledge it. I'm hoping I can get him to read this. I think it will help.~

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-10 10:56:51
I am so grateful you didn't step off that curb, my friend! You are perfect just the way you are, and I am happy to call you my friend.~HUG~

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-13 03:44:51
You know yourself quite well, Gal. You're always there for me, let me be there for you. I KNOW you deserve it and if you leave the door open, the sunshine can come in.~

Comment posted by tulip at 2005-06-13 10:30:01

Eva, no you are not the only one. It could have been me writing this. I feel the same way. You could say I have built a wall around me to hide and there are not many who know where to find the door. I do like to help others, to listen, to comfort, but the other way around? No, I don't want to get hurt or disappointed again. I am a highly sensitive person; that's not bad, but it can be a struggle too. I not only live my own life, but also the lives of others. Their problems and pain easily become mine. I had a depression a few times, my first at age 16, and in a way it had nothing to do with my personal life but with the situation of a friend. Now that I am getting older, turned 50 this year, I think it has become easier to live this way. I try to be more open, allthough it is never easy.

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-13 20:34:15
Isabella,

You said:

"... I think it has become easier to live this way ..."

I could have written that. I probably have written that in my journals dozens of times. I've probably even said that to those who try to help me. Let me get out of my straitjacket and put on a white coat for a second.

How does building a wall and locking yourself away make living easier? You drown yourself in depressive thoughts and never feel the warmth of sunshine on your face. Look at it from another angle. The people who care about you most are stuck on the other side of the door and can't get in to help you. How does that make THEM feel?

Take advantage of your caring and nurturing side. Give comfort to those who want to help you by cracking open the door.

Now I feel vulnerable. Time to get that straitjacket back on and crawl back into the darkness.

Comment posted by tulip at 2005-06-14 03:07:37

How does building a wall and locking yourself away make living easier?

For me it does help, I am ok with just a few people around me, who do understand me, know how I feel and leave me when I want to be alone. I have accepted my highly sensitive nature. When it is getting out of hand, and I when feel too much is coming my way, I know it is time to step backwards. Sitting behind "my wall" is helping me to NOT fall deeper and deeper. It is a resting place. I pray, read, think, listen to music and I am still capable to take care of the family. I have learned it does help me to keep the long periods of depression out. I do feel stronger and happy when such a period is over.

In a way I think I don't want to get help, I want to do everything on my own. When I have a bad day, pain, walking is difficult and I cannot keep house the way I would like, I never accept any help. Yes I am obstinate. Helping others great, but to accept that I need help, too, sometimes ... No. That's me, cannot change myself, I am happy the way I am now

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-14 11:07:06
So long as you are content with yourself, that is all that really matters.

Comment posted by Bouquet at 2005-06-20 11:31:24
Hi Eva,

thanks for your honest sharing. I know it is hard, as I've discovered too, that not everyone hears what we intended to say. They filter things through their own experiences and ways of processing pain.

I think too, that you're discovering the power of the published word on the Internet. It may look technical on the surface, but we do connect with real people, and with a much wider circle than we do at home.

It is both thrilling and scary. I've been learning to set my own boundaries after harsh comments, and to constantly refine my approach, but basically I find reaching out to people pays off wonderfully in new friends. And I collect friends the way some people collect rare coins. They are my treasures - as you'll see on my main web site, Ruthes-SecretRoses.com

Blessings, & Thanks for dropping by my blog too,
Bouquet

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-16 07:21:11
I don't see you as depressed or a whiny, spoiled brat seeking attention. I see you greeting each day with an honest, down-to-earth, practical approach and a sense of humor that leaves me on the floor rolling (rofl!). Who is to say what is "normal," and what is wrong with wanting to lead a full life and be satisfied with what you are doing? Only you can know if you are still screaming bloody hell on the inside and that with this blog the barrier is coming down. Maybe you are seeing things a little differently than the years you were setting an example for your sister. Just maybe in these past two weeks you are seeing that it's okay to have feelings, maybe expressing these feelings is validating, and maybe it's okay to be who you are.

Comment posted by diamondsharp at 2005-06-16 22:09:56
Eva, I've been holding off writing a comment on your BLOG because I wanted to see how it went. I believe both scenarios could be true from my short assessment. There seems to be a bit of you which craves the attention and reality of confronting conflict head-on. There also seems to be a presence of your 'belief' in the fact that you are depressed ... however, I don't get that from your writings that you are 'depressed'.

Now, I'm no doctor or professional in any way. However, as a budding 'Life, Spiritual, and Professional Coach,' I am learning a lot about how what one focuses on, one gets ... good, bad, or indifferent. That, in changing the questions you ask yourself, the vision in which you see yourself, and in the divine graces you seek - you will get exactly what you want. By changing the questions you ask yourself, the vision you see yourself in, and the divine graces you seek - you'll find that everything changes perspective, your aura, your energy, your visions, your divine graces, everything will change as well. Then, and only then, can 'you' see a change in yourself and others.

Just my 2 cents ...
John A. Gosselin

P.S. In the pursuit of my 'Life, Spiritual, and Professional Coaching' Certification, I need to work with some individuals. I'd like to offer my help anytime in exchange for helping me complete my certification. No charge whatsoever. Just a thought in case you'd be interested. My coaching website isn't completed yet, but I can let you know when it is - just let me know if you'd like to be notified when it's activated. My practice will be called "River of Light Coaching".

Comment posted by inforeso at 2005-06-17 07:55:35
Everybody has some similar one. Days are hard. Hours and minutes are hard sometimes, too. Rest cannot be found by running. But it is too soon to step into the next world no matter how hard or desperate this one seems. Shake yourself, pinch yourself and then remind yourself that waking dreams aren't reality, only a trick. Square your beautiful shoulders and go on. Put one foot in front of the next and live on. No matter how bad things are, each day is worth the living of it. (Message is from K. Alerted her I read this. Email her now; she is waiting. It will take her time to answer as she is not well, but she will.)

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-17 09:08:25
Thanks for the message. Will do ASAP.

Comment posted by tulip at 2005-06-18 09:38:19
Thank you, Eva, for this link. It gives me some answers to many questions I have.

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-18 13:48:05
Very interesting, Eva. Wish I had this abundance of information years ago. It would have helped me to understand my mother's condition a little more.~

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-19 19:05:32
diamondsharp,

Your comment to my "You diagnose me" entry did not offend me. I asked for input. I asked for honesty. You did not say anything that I haven't heard before.

I don't know what the "right" answer is with respect to my "depression." Depressive episodes have a natural course, and are ususally over in about a year. Many people experience only one episode during their lifetime. I am on my third episode which has lasted several years now. Am I really depressed or just using my psychiatric history as an excuse to do nothing to dig myself out of this hole that I am in? Am I traumatized by my recent failures after being an overachiever all my life? My mindset is that I don't see the point in trying anymore. Is that a mind clouded by depression, or am I just lazy? Maybe I am spoiled and believe that the world owes me something. I don't know. I've heard it all.

Through all of this discussion, I have glossed over the subject of suicide. I have never attempted suicide. I have thought of ways to kill myself, but never actually made any plans to do so. I believe that I am a useless individual and don't deserve to live. I have had that belief for as long as I can remember.

I always minimize my depressive symptoms. I think that is why my depression does not show through in this blog. I find it interesting, though, that in the one entry I posted where I suggested that I have suicidal thoughts, only one person picked up on that. I was contacted immediately and made to promise to keep myself safe. By one person. One person who has been there and knows what it's like. Guess it really takes one to know one. (And I thank that one friend for caring and understanding. I will be forever grateful.)

Comment posted by diamondsharp at 2005-06-19 20:15:28
Eva, Can you tell us a bit about the things you do in the course of your weekly/monthly routines for other people? Do you belong to any clubs, do you volunteer, teach, participate in any charity work? Also, where do you stand with Religion and GOD?

Depression is a real and emotional struggle. And, be it clinical depression or life - the comment you make above says a great deal:

"I believe that I am a useless individual and don't deserve to live. I have had that belief for as long as I can remember."

This above all else I've read of your writings, I would consider to be a 'KEY' to what is really occurring deep within you. If you were a computer, I'd say you had a virus which is eating away at your hard drive - gobbling up all your good programs and data. As a human, I say you have the wrong focus - the wrong questions which are being programed into your brain - the wrong image of what you see your future being.

I go back to my original posting where I wrote:

"... I am learning a lot about what one focuses on, one gets ... good, bad, or indifferent. That, in changing the questions you ask yourself, the vision in which you see yourself, and in the divine graces you seek - you will get exactly that. By changing the questions you ask yourself, the vision you see yourself in, and the divine graces you seek - you'll find that everything changes perspective, your aura, your energy, your visions, your divine graces, everything will change as well. Then, and only then, can 'you' see a change in yourself and others."

The first question I ask myself when I start getting down and depressed is, "Who have I been helping lately?" I often find myself saying "ME"! And, if I want my depression to start to change and go away, I know I need to help someone else ... something I learned in 8th. grade when I tried to kill myself and my teacher spoke with me. Her name was Sister Margeret. She shocked me and said to go ahead and kill myself, but only after I've done her 3 favors. I was so shocked that I asked what they were, she said:

1. I want you to spend 1 month doing something good for someone else each day and writing it down before going to bed. She wanted me to give her the paper at the end of the month.
2. Spend 15 minutes every morning/night reading from the Old Testament of the Bible and writing down my thoughts of what I read.
3. And every time I said something negative, about myself or someone else, that I had to stop myself right then and there and say "CANCEL THAT THOUGHT" and say the opposite to myself. i.e. "I'm so stupid ..." stop "CANCEL THAT THOUGHT" opposite "I AM SO SMART...".

I thought at the time she was nuts ... basically said "Yeah, Yeah, whatever ..." and left the school. That evening I kept thinking about what she said and decided, what do I have to lose - it's not like I had any grandiose plans at the time ...

I was amazed at the end of the month what had transpired!!! To this day I think of this scenario whenever I get down. And the first thing I do is find something good to do for others.

ACTION, VISION, REFLECTION = Change

It takes 21 days to change a habit. It takes 21 times of catching yourself saying that you're a useless individual and "CANCELING THAT THOUGHT" and saying something like "HOW WONDERFUL AND CREATIVE A PERSON I AM" before your BRAIN will register it and cancel the old habit that has been ingrained for so long.

Take Action, Change the Questions, The Vision, Get Inspired through Reading, Reflect on those Changes with writing, meditating and prayer - and watch the changes occur in you.

Will you give it a month of your time to try it out?

What do you have to lose?

What are you focused on today?

My prayers are with you, Eva
- John A. Gosselin

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-19 20:33:51
You are right. I am a lazy, selfish little brat.

Comment posted by diamondsharp at 2005-06-19 20:50:10
No, you're not ... you're avoiding answering my questions ...

On another note, I just was reading a book and found this:

"... What shows up in your experiences -- the kind of problems and issues that show up, etc. -- the kind of experiences you have are an absolute reflection of how you manage YOUR OWN emotional energy.

I'm talking about the energy of thoughts, feelings, words and action.

How can this help you?

Simple. Whatever you believe, affects the kind of action you take. It also affects what you attract to you!

To change your reality, you must change your beliefs so the outside can change. Maybe you have read this before or listened about it in tapes, but have you mastered the process? You can tell right now by looking at your current reality..."

She goes on to say:

"...Those thoughts you have are literally sending out signals at an energy level that have a frequency, and those thoughts are attracting to you more of the same level or frequency. It's called the Law of Attraction, and most coaches don't truly understand how to consistently tap into the Law of Attraction in their business and their own life."

She continues:

"... One thing that I believe is whatever is showing up in your experiences, you need to see it as an opportunity, to be clearer on what you want. No matter what it is. It is an opportunity for greater clarity and for the next level to be born! Sometimes things that seem to look like failure are the seeds for something more amazing that needs room to be bloom.

A wonderful mentor of mine says that you always have a greater sense of what you do want, when you are experiencing what you don't want. So rather than looking to the outside and trying to change those circumstances from the outside, you need to look within and say, "Ok I am clear on what I don't want in this situation, now how do I want to feel?"

After you have allowed yourself to surface that up, then turn it around and create on paper what you do want AND how you want to feel."

John

Comment posted by diamondsharp at 2005-06-19 21:05:47
On another note, I had to write a letter for my daughter's eigth grade graduation last week. Could I share two paragraphs with you? They are:

"Life isn't about how you live it, as much as it is how you deal with it. Everyone can live a life of 'Easy' & 'Carefree' living - that isn't a challenge -- it's really a test of how WE all deal with the 'Challenges' in Life that we are measured. Do we give up? Do we turn to drugs and alcohol? Do we run away? Or do we face our fears, turn inward to GOD and listen to his plan for us? Yes, I said inward ... GOD isn't 'UP THERE' in Heaven, or out there somewhere in the masses of Space -- HE IS WITHIN YOU AND YOUR VERY SOUL! He created YOU in His Image!! He knew you before you were conceived and he "Created" you with a special Plan in Life! Be sure to look "within" and "listen quietly" to hear what He has planed for you! Every answer in life is within you through Prayer and Listening to GOD in your heart. And the Angels are there to help guide you, all you need to do is ask for their help.

Life is like the Appalachian Trail. If you look at if from 10,000 feet up, it looks like a fairly straight line from Maine to Virginia. But if you look at it from 5,000 feet up, you see more details, you see more curves, hills, and valleys. If you are on the trail, and you walk from one mountain to another, you will find that there are areas of flat fields, wooded trails, rocks, stumps and holes, valleys and mountains. Nothing is straight about it when you are experiencing it. There are times when you are on the top of a great mountain and you can see for hundreds of miles in any direction, even above the clouds at times, and there are times when you are in a canyon of rock, thicket, and darkness where the sun can't penetrate the vegetation and stone walls. The question is do you give up when the trail gets tough, dark, lonely, scary, or difficult? Or -- do you press on through thick and thin, knowing that soon there you will be, on the top of another great mountain where all can be seen so clearly and so beautifully? Life is very much like this ... it's not always easy, nor do we always understand "WHY" or for "HOW LONG". That's up to GOD to decide. We need to always give thanks for every day we have together, no matter what -- knowing that in the end, we will be with Him. Just as our Love for you -- it's unconditional!"

John

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-20 05:43:49
Yes, I am avoiding answering your questions. I already know that I don't have the "right" answers. I have heard it all before. I don't think that YOU hear ME. That is part of the illness. Do you think that I haven't tried? My brave face isn't for my benefit. I am presenting myself as the world wants to see me, a strong, confident, intelligent, independent woman. But the strength isn't there. Nobody wants to hear that. It scares them. It hits too close to home.

Comment posted by diamondsharp at 2005-06-20 21:05:16
Eva, I'm personally very sorry if I pushed this too far. Please accept my appologies ...

The responses you've received is evidence we do care! Many do hear you and understand, and some even want to know more. Some, like myself, are even willing to work through proven processes - but it needs to be a reciprocal and desired process.

When I first began to read your BLOG, I got the distinct impression that you were actively working on changing your life around and this BLOG was a way of commenting and documenting that process and findings. I guess I really misunderstood ...

Then, when you asked for our diagnosis - well, I guess I took that invitation a bit too far. Sorry about that!

I hope you'll call on us if we can help in any way whatsoever. You remain in my thoughts and prayers!
John A. Gosselin

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-21 07:31:05
John, you should have quit while you were ahead ...

You said:

"When I first began to read your BLOG, I got the distinct impression that you were actively working on changing your life around and this BLOG was a way of commenting and documenting that process and findings. I guess I really misunderstood..."

What the hell does that mean? How condescending can you get? I mean, what IS your understanding now of this blog? That I am just whining for the world's amusement? I am wallowing in self-pity? Grabbing attention any way that I can? How dare you. Did I refuse your offer of help? I thought I was expressing my feelings. I was relating my past experiences, hoping you would understand where I am coming from. But yet again, I'm not ill, just seriously flawed. Obstinate, stubborn, spoiled, you name it, I've been accused of it.

I know that I am not alone in this experience. Depression, suicide, and mental illness are all taboo subjects. This blog is meant to provide support for those who wish to remain anonymous, to let them know that they are not alone, to give them courage and strength to reach for that faint light shining into the dark hole in which they live.

If you believe that I do not want to get better and live in the real world again, be able to hold my head up high, feel confident in myself and my abilities, feel loved, wanted and accepted, then so be it. I will not apologize for not being docile and simply accepting of your "proven processes." I will not apologize for expressing my point of view.

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-20 05:58:58
Ah, Daddy's little girl all grown up....what's important is that you do go home to visit. Sure makes me miss my Dad.~

Comment posted by diamondsharp at 2005-06-20 21:13:48
Eva, I'm very sorry if I pushed this too far! I've posted an appology under the fore-mentioned post below. Please, I hope you'll accept my appologies. I'm sorry the last couple of days have been rough... I can't help but think I contributed to this stress. I will withhold my postings, but remain available via the internal e-mail should you like to discuss any of this in the future. You remain in my thoughts and prayers Eva!
John A. Gosselin

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-21 06:44:26
John,

No apology necessary. I accept full responsibiliry for my actions. No one can make me feel bad unless I let them.

You should not censor yourself for me or anyone else. Everyone has a right to express an opinion, especially when it is solicited. Publishing this blog is an implicit solicitation. Post a comment when you have something to say.

I have to make mistakes in order to learn from them, and then adjust my behavior accordingly. Strangely enough, I consider the experience therapeutic. Up until a few weeks ago, I was completely numb. Part of the healing process is learning to feel again. I have to take the good with the bad. I have to teach myself appropriate coping skills. I made it through this minor crisis without hurting myself or calling my therapist in a panic. That's huge for me. It's a personal triumph! I give you some credit for that. I have to keep some of the credit for myself ;)

Comment posted by kstien1959 at 2005-06-22 22:45:55
An interesting piece of poetry. It seems that it is easy for all of us to run from life. I enjoy coming across fresh new poetry.

Comment posted by Milton at 2005-06-30 11:25:44
You obviously have a lot to offer. May you also receive kindness for the nice contributions your writing is making. I know it seems that we always like that little bit when it comes to putting it on paper whether writing or painting. I guess we will just have to enjoy the trip and wait to see what the destination looks like.

Comment posted by Healthwize at 2005-06-27 02:04:15
Hi Eva

Thats the truth.
Positive thinking is also a great health supplement.
Good luck

Gordon UK

Comment posted by integrity at 2005-06-27 07:53:34
Eva, I think you are 1/2 right. Yes both answers are correct but when one always thinks and talks in the positive (happy) they become (happy).

Comment posted by inforeso at 2005-06-27 23:44:14

What difference does it make? It is half a glass of water. So what are you going to do with it?

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-28 06:01:18
Exactly.

Comment posted by integrity at 2005-06-28 11:10:11
No difference if you drink the water. By having to listen to one who is negative all the time soon you don't listen.

That's the difference.

Comment posted by acpeavy at 2005-06-28 14:55:26
Alright, time for me to chime in, and unfortunately, I think this comment is going to be a little off from this topic, but here goes. First, I love this blog, and greatly admire the courage and fortitude it takes Eva to publish it! It is one of the few blogs that I have found that has actual meaningful content, my own included. So why if I love the blog so much am I just now getting around to adding a comment and showing my support? Simple really, it hits way too close to home with me for my supposed comfort level. Mental health issues, and depression in particular, runs in my family, and I myself suffer from chronic depression. Each time I spiral downward and finally crash, I end up with a new "name" for the condition: so far I've been through "manic depression", "bi-polar disorder", "chronic depression" and many others depending on the terminology of the day. Fact is, I have a depression that cannot be regulated without medication, and it has destroyed my life at several different times. I tend to run in a 4 year cycle, I have four good years, then about 18 months where everything goes south. On a daily basis, and how most people "know" me, is literally a different side of my personality than what I consider "me". How strange is it to think that the person most of you know in conferences and trainings is actually very withdrawn, insecure socially, and completely inept with people on a personal level? That's the thing with "mental health issues", people you know on one level may seem perfectly normal, but on other levels be a complete wreck. What I hope comes out of this blog, and the open and frank discussion that can and should happen here, is an understanding that people are many faceted creatures, and not all the facets shine as brightly as others, but when considered separately they do not do justice to the whole.

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-28 15:04:51
I know exactly what you are saying, Aaron. That is why I have no faith in the "experts". I don't think they ever really KNOW what the problem is, but if the medication helps, that's great. It didn't always help my mother. Many times over the years, because of my mother's schizophrenia, I have thought that she was simply possessed by an evil spirit. How will we ever know? Maybe it's simply the human "condition" and we all suffer from it in some form or other. We are still all very special and unique.

Comment posted by acpeavy at 2005-06-28 15:33:41
Speaking of medications, I readily admit that I am not on medication. Unfortunately, being male, the medications that work have some rather bad side effects. Basically it boils down to "less depression" versus "no sex life". It's not hard to see why men in particular have terrible times remaining on the medications. (To do justice to the pharmacutical companies, there are apparently meds now that do not have these side effects, or at least limit them greatly) I consider myself lucky, I found a therapist years ago that was able to teach me to ride through the ebbs and flows of most of the depression. It isn't infallible by any means. I have days that I just cannot seem to function, even on a business level. Those are the days I stay away from people. We all have different ways of coping with our limitations.

Comment posted by integrity at 2005-06-2816:16:30
Aaron, nothing is off topic in this Blog. It is the most interesting and helpful blog I've read. Eva, you are special to let us help ourselves with open discussions.

Comment posted by diamondsharp at 2005-06-29 00:56:21
I like to consider the glass 1/2 full, since I believe that the brain is a big computer - it takes everything in, but doesn't discriminate from thought, word heard, read or spoken. By thinking the positive and saying the positive, I'm hopefully 2 steps ahead in seeing the glass of water for what it is ... not empty. I, too, suffer from depression and have been on medication that ruined aspects of my life. I do everything in my power now to 'Program' my brain in the positive - from reading, writing, speaking, listening, and consciously thinking - all are being recorded by the brain.

Joe Sansoucie's favorite saying is "Just Do It". I agree! Sometimes you need to put the action before the feelings and results follow. By putting the action first, the brain doesn't know any different and, after a while, after practice, intent, written plans, etc., the action creates the feeling which creates the positive outcome and soon enough, you're doing what you set out to do - even if you didn't think you could.

Where am I going with this ... well, maybe putting the action in gear, one can eventually overcome the feelings of depression since depression is a form of fear and no confidence. One of my blog postings talks of using daily devotionals every morning. This is my way of putting the action before the feelings. You can find it here.

Another thought is putting more faith in a higher being than ourselves. Like in relationships, friendships, marriage, children with their parents; there is a level of unconditional trust which bonds their relationships. This bond helps create a level of security, peace, love, contentment. That's where I've learned to put more trust - in my faith. I posted a blog on that here.

Lastly, sometimes we just have to grab the bull by the horns and let go - stretch ourselves, face our fears head on, look at the world around us and step out of our box a bit.

Eva, thank you for sharing your world with us - and everyone, thank you for posting your feelings as it helps all of us as well.

Peace!
John A. Gosselin

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-06-29 06:18:26
I second John's thank you, Eva! Your blog is needed and necessary, informative, original, extremely well written, and a favorite at BlogEstates. What I can't understand is why it wasn't chosen for the top ten. Go figure! Thanks, my friend.~

Comment posted by inforeso at 2005-06-29 16:59:41
Why doesn't it matter if the glass is half full or half empty? I should have explained before. Sorry I didn't Eva. Now I will try and maybe it will help either you or me or both or someone else. It doesn't matter if it is half full or half empty because, like other diseases, depression is not all the same and some depression is not as bad as others. There is a depression that most people do not understand that has nothing whatsoever to do with circumstances. It is not influenced one iota by circumatances.

But before I try to explain it to those of you who are fortunate enough not to be familiar with it, let me say something else. John, yes we have tried things like devotions, prayer, just doing it, putting our faith in a higher power; and things like that do get us through another moment, but they do not begin to alleviate our depression. And to those of you who read my blog, I do believe every word I write there and apply it to my own life, but it does nothing whatever to decrease my depression; it simply helps get me through another moment.

There is a depression that is so intense that we can be seemingly enjoying what to others is one of the most wonderful events of our lifetime, but on the inside we are desperate. There is no feeling of actually being a part of what is happening. We are simply going through the motions. Taken from the opposite set of circumstances, our depression is so severe that even the death of someone we love does not intensify it. We grieve, but the depression is already so intense that it is not affected by loss, or for that matter by hurt or deprivation or any other circumstance. It does not matter whether we are rich or homeless, whether we are sick or healthy, whether we are alone or with those we love. We can grieve and suffer loss, but the depression cannot worsen because it is always and unrelentingly severe.

This type of depression is sometimes cyclic. We have periods that are less intense and maybe some are even depression free (not sure as I have never experienced that), and then there are the desperate times that go on for weeks, months or longer. The depression is unrelenting and intense and even wakes you at night. There is nothing that eases it, you just have to go through the motions of living one minute at a time. People around us usually do not know we are depressed, we cope with life moment by moment and put on a good front.

Medication and therapy and all the things each of you have so thoughtfully suggested sometimes help but only momentarily. Some of you, I know, have other types of depression. And yes, those other types can lead to suicide. But the depression we have is not the same. We actually are suicidal most of the time, but are coping and living moment by moment. There are those moments when we can't cope. Eva felt one of those times a short while back. She posted in desperation that day. Later she posted something about only one person noticing how deperate she was. No one noticed because most do not understand the type of depression that is unending and only goes from bad to worse and then, if we survive, from worse back to bad.

Eva is not writing this blog to complain or grumble; she is not by nature a complainer. She is not writing it to be negative; she is not a negative person. In fact, most of you who know Eva and most of the people in her life, did not know she had depression before she wrote this blog or until she told them. She is writing this blog as an open discussion of an illness that few people understand, even those who have it. And as a place that all memtal illness can be discussed freely and openly. You see those of us with these illnesses simply want to find a way to live a life that is more than just coping.

Eva, I admire your courage.

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-06-29 17:25:50
Thank you, Karen, for your comment, for your support, for your friendship, for everything.

Comment posted by diamondsharp at 2005-06-29 21:37:10
Thank You, Karen, for that explanation - it is very enlightening and yet mind-boggling. I have read a great deal about depression, and have read about the type of depression you describe - but never with the clarity and detail which you describe; nor with the finality of just coping. I realize that I need to do more learning and investigating - and you are right, it appears this depression you describe is much more intense than the more common depression.

One question though, are you saying that you believe it's permanent - no cure - no way of getting better? In this day and age, doesn't there exist any glimmer of ever curing this disease?

John A. Gosselin

Comment posted by acpeavy at 2005-06-29 22:57:30
In response to John, all I can say is from my own depression. Mine is caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain, medication will help, but does not entirely replace it. Biologically, my brain simply doesn't seem to know it needs the chemical. So about a "cure", there isn't one. Merely things that help me to cope, and ride through it most days.

Aaron

Comment posted by inforeso at 2005-06-30 01:02:53
John, there is no cure. Unfortunately I have always had adverse physical reactions to the medications so must depend entirely on coping mechanisms. Aaron's statement, "Merely things that help me to cope, and ride through it most days" tells the saddest part of this type of depression. It is those other days that are the ones we fear most and are the hardest to live.
Karen

Comment posted by Kiosk at 2005-06-30 14:51:05
I enjoy reading your blogs.They ring a bell with me.

My husband worked for quite a long time as a volunteer for the Dutch Depression organization giving advice on depression, meds etc. And often doing not much more then listening to stories of patients, relatives and friends.

He recently finished his study in Psychology with a thesis on depression, self-disclosure and meta-programs with adolescents. I was shocked about hearing how much young people (mostly girls) were dealing with depression. And how difficult this dealing with depression is.

Comment posted by diamondsharp at 2005-07-02 20:18:37
Eva, do you - or anyone reading this - have any knowledge of individuals who have tried drugless solutions, such as hypnosis, accupuncture, accupressure, meditation, or other holistic type approaches to overcoming depression? Also, has anyone noticed changes with exercise, diet, or the amount of sunlight they are exposed too?

I also read an article quite a few years ago that had said that people living closer to the equator [having more exposure to sunlight] were less apt to have any signs of depression, and that per capita, the population saw fewer cases of depression, hypertension, bipolar, etc. I have often wondered if this was true since I live in the Northeast and have a harder time in the long Winters and shorter daylight.

Any thoughts on this?

John A. Gosselin

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-07-03 09:48:38
I had an easier time dealing with my depression while I was living in Texas than I do now living in New York.

Comment posted by How2-4Newbies at 2005-07-10 16:32:12
I hear you Eva, and yes, it is sad that we find it so hard to accept a compliment. Then again when you consider we hear the word "no" some 2,000 times before our second birthday, is it any wonder that hearing a compliment can actually feel like shock treatment?

Perhaps the best we can do, is to say "thank you" to the person bestowing that accolade upon our shoulders and not be so quick to wonder if they really mean it? Then, if we are lucky, we will learn our worth is out there and recognized by someone who can make us feel good, if only for one precious moment.
God Bless ~~

Comment posted by tulip at 2005-07-11 05:05:13
Eva, I too find it hard to accept that people really mean it when they say I have done something good. Maybe it has something to do with childhood or nature, I don't know. Most of the times I feel happy with a compliment for a short while, but then it suddenly starts to live its own life. A little voice telling me "you did something stupid, they laugh behind your back, don't think you are somebody, you are nothing" and in a few hours time I can feel terrible. Wrong I know, but the Dutch are not so good in making compliments anyhow; they think it will make you haughty. Maybe we should make compliments more starting with children ...

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-07-11 12:06:21
I do the exact same thing, Isabella! It doesn't take a few hours for me to feel terrible, though. I do it instantaneously.

I tried very hard to be supportive and encouraging to my nephew when he was growing up, but it didn't take. Maybe because I left home when he was 7 years old. Maybe because he grew up in the same household I did.

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-07-12 15:56:19
rofl! Yup, sounds pretty normal to me! By the way, they say for each gray hair you pull out, two return to take its place. I personally find this to be true.~ :)

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-07-12 16:14:51
That's what hair coloring is for ... I ain't goin' gray gracefully!

Comment posted by tulip at 2005-07-12 16:35:11
Well, I have passed both stations, never made a point of it. Not afraid to get older, and looking older was good for me ... It may sound funny coming a woman, but I always looked too young, it seemed, and I did not always like the way people I did not even know talked to me because of how young I looked. Now I am 50 years young! and with more gray hairs showing up it is a lot better, and I am still judged at least 10 years younger. :) Every age has its beauty Eva, that's my opinion, but you are certainly not alone in your thoughts.

Comment posted by inforeso at 2005-07-13 17:30:50
Aging and looking our age can be funny. I, too, used to be mistaken for younger than my age. When my oldest son brought friends home, they always assumed I was one of his sisters. He thought it was funny to let them think that. One night, he decided he was going to a party that he hadn't planned on going to. It was really last minute, so he didn't have a date. He said he wanted me go with him and pretend to be his date. I refused at first, but he had been pretty down because he was having trouble controlling his diabetes, so I agreed and went. He thought it was hilarious because everyone assumed I was a teenager and the night got him over his depression.

Now it is just the opposite. I look old as life has really changed my appearance. My two youngest (8 and 7 year olds) are often asked if I am their grandmother.

But how old we look is unimportant, living life to the fullest is. I may have one foot in the grave but there are lots of things I still plan to do.

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-07-14 09:46:35
When I was very little, people thought I was a twin because my younger sister is only 18 months younger than me and we were always together, dressed basically alike, etc. When I got into my teens, people thought I was a twin of my sister who is 8 years older than me. Go figure.

I don't really think about my age until I am forced to think about the ages of my family members. My dad is almost 80. My niece just turned 16. I don't feel old until I think about those facts. When people ask me how old I am, I have to think for a minute to come up with the number. That number is just a label to me, and I don't deal with labels.

Funny to think that I am just 3 years older than my mom was when she had me. People always asked me if she was my grandmother. If I were to have a child now, no one would ever make such an assumption.

Age really ain't nuthin but a number.

Comment posted by PrairieMade at 2005-07-20 13:08:23
Why not take the Bible with you when you have those quiet times? The Lord promised us the comforter when He left, until He returns again. :o)

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-07-21 08:23:03
There have been times when the Bible gave me comfort, but I have to be in the right frame of mind. When I am angry, upset, frustrated, and so forth, I cannot accept the word of anyone, God or otherwise. Clinical depression is a very lonely place. The core of my being tells me that I am worthless. I don't believe that I am worthy of anyone's attention. I've tried to accept Christ as my savior, but I can't because within my heart, I can't believe that I am worth saving. Until I can turn to myself and convince myself that I am "okay," I can't take the word of anyone else that I am truly loved and accepted as I am.

Comment posted by tulip at 2005-08-07 14:55:02
Eva I know what you feel, hypersensitive? maybe what's in a name. That is just a label, you don't need it ... , important is how you respond to those feelings and when walking away is the best thing to do for you, you should not worry about what others will think or how they will judge you. Real friends will accept it, I am sure, and they will love you still. It is always better then feeling sad or ashamed afterwards, when realizing you have been too sharp with words. I think you do know me a bit by now and you know Eva, I do something similar and call it my "turtle behaviour", back into my own shell :) At that point I do what prairiemade says, and it does help me. Eva, in God's eyes there are No worthless people, there is no one who understands us better then He does. Even better than you understand yourself, with your ups and downs. It really touches me when you think you cannot accept Yeshua (Christ) as your Savior, because you cannot believe you are worthy. Eva, He already knows how you feel, be open and tell Him how you feel...I don't say it is easy but it will be ok to tell how you think about yourself, there is No one who loves and understands you more ...

Comment posted by acpeavy at 2005-07-24 20:36:54
I understand this one completely! At least from a patient's point of view. I am bipolar, Type I, but the manic phases are not present all the time. In fact, there have been years between them. Trying to explain them to a doctor gets some very strange looks! The most common response I get is, "Well, stop drinking coffee!" If it was that easy, I would surely do it. Unfortunately, I tried that once. I still stared at the wall 10 seconds, paced the floor 15 seconds, drummed my fingers a few, before I went back to counting bumps in the plaster on the wall. Only difference being, I was thirsty!

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-07-29 00:20:16
Yeah. Why does it take us losing them until we get it? I'm of the opinion that our mothers are the only ones who have ever or will ever love us unconditionally.

My daughter is of the same mind and thankfully, won't have to wait until my soul has left this world to understand that.~

Comment posted by inforeso at 2005-07-30 14:11:21
Definitely. That's why I try not to judge others because usually the faults or things I dislike the most in others are the faults and annoying habits I have. Gee, no wonder I don't have tons of friends, I have tons of annoying faults.

Comment posted by acpeavy at 2005-07-30 18:52:43
hmm that's a difficult proposition. If we dislike in ohter's what we see in ourselves, doesn't that distill into self-loathing? There are many things I know I have to improve on, but I do not know that I dislike myself merely because of them. But then, even to myself, I'm not a very likable guy!

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-07-30 21:14:44
I have lots of annoying habits myself but I don't see them in others. Nobody irritates me like I do myself. I guess they are uniquely mine!~

Comment posted by zoe at 2005-07-31 07:57:21
I think the worse one, is something you used to not like about yourself. If you had a bad habit, and worked your butt off to get rid of it, then you REALLY notice it in someone else!!

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-08-02 08:18:44
I couldn't agree more with you, Zoe.

Comment posted by integrity at 2005-08-01 17:35:44
Thanks Eva, I needed to read this. Enjoy today, now. I always remember the following song by Cat Stevens (I think)? No or it's by someone who had a few good songs then died? Harry Chaffen? Anyone remember his name?

"When you coming home Dad?"
"I don't know when. We'll get together then, Son. You know we'll have a good time then ..."

"When you coming home, Son?"
"I don't know when. We'll get together then, Dad. You know we'll have a good time then!"

So true! Hug and love your kids today. Nothing is more important then being with and helping your kids grow.
Randy Martin

Comment posted by integrity at 2005-08-01 17:37:39
Eva, your site is wonderful and helpful. Thank you so much!
Randy

Comment posted by acpeavy at 2005-08-02 07:07:07
Integrity, song done by Harry Chapin, title Cat's in the Cradle

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-08-02 08:13:35
for Randy
Lyrics for Cat's in the Cradle

Comment posted by integrity at 2005-08-02 13:17:09
Thanks Aaron and Eva

I am very close and love my kids more then anything but I regret not spending enough time with them. They know I love them and I know they love me but it still bugs me. That song always makes me think.
Randy

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-08-04 06:35:45
A classic case of trying to help, yet only making matters worse. Maybe the best thing in these kinds of situations is to heed the advice given many times in reference to consoling those who have lost a dear loved one: If you're not sure what to say, a simple "I'm sorry" will express sympathy adequately. During any devastating event, most don't feel much like conversation anyway. Those who do need to talk will do so; in which case maybe the most generous thing we can do to help is to listen.

Comment posted by JadeLady at 2005-08-04 11:13:32
First off I would like to say thank you for the encouraging words in my never ending goal to lose weight. I would like to comment on your most recent blog, and tell you I learned the hard way that trying to give advice to friends and loved ones can be very difficult. I have a friend who has a disease called Colitis. She just had some really upsetting news. I tried to encourage her, apparently evryone else that day had said pretty much the same thing I had. She lost it and told me she wanted one day where she could just be upset, and she was sick of being strong. I told her that we may come across as patronising, but it is only because we are at a loss, and don't know how to fix the problem. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make her problems disappear, but it doesn't work this way. I say Do what makes you happy hon, but know that the people closest to you are there for you if you need them. You are never alone.

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-08-04 18:29:28
JadeLady, think of it this way. Your friend felt secure enough with you to let you know exactly how she felt. I imagine that it was very liberating for her to be able to express her feelings openly like that. She knows that you are on her side. That is very special.

Comment posted by copperhair at 2005-09-30 23:08:26
I worked in a Mental Health Agency and thought that it would be fine to discuss this. It was a good feeling to be able to talk about it to a degree, sort of a free feeling...a coming out of sorts. It is not a wise thing to do at work though, I am afraid. I too felt that it was important as far as fighting stigma was concerned, but on a personal work basis, it wasn't a good choice.

Comment posted by tulip at 2005-08-15 04:07:09
Memories, making you feel sad or a fool, I have them, too, and it seems you never get rid of them no matter how hard you try. Maybe not exactly the same, but I know the feeling. Somehow those negative feelings always show up when trying to start something new in life or just because I feel depressed. Not even knowing why I have a hard time and feel like a total misfit. It doesn't take long for all those nasty memories to pop up again, telling me I am a fool, everybody is laughing about me, thinking how I hurt people in the past with my behaviour, and the list grows and grows in those moods. I know it is silly to let memories that happened 30 yrs ago or even longer rule my life. I try to push them away, but they keep following me. It would be great if we could erase them just like unwanted computer files ...

Comment posted by How2-4Newbies at 2005-08-15 07:40:54
Everyone likes to think we always have choices about what we want to do in life. We can go for it or we can pass on it. No grey matter - it is a decision we get to make and we live or die by it. Nice thought. Life is never that simple.

However, having said that, there are variables to this issue of choices. The dream is ALWAYS ours. The decision to want something and go for it is ALWAYS our choice. Just as the decision to follow through better be ours as well or we deserve the just criticism.

As a dependent child, your decisions can be over-ridden by a parent. As an adult, they are yours to make and yours to live or die by the results.

If what you reach for is built on the pain of someone else, you will never enjoy the fruits of your labor. But that applies only if you are guilty of trespassing on their rights, not if what you want is your dream and is built on honesty and clarity of intentions.

Critics? There will always be critics. There is nada that you or I can do to please the world at large, nor should we try to. If what we do is good and just and benefits others for our work, then that should be enough to satisfy you and me. After all, it is for ourselves that we do the things we choose to do. We have something to offer. If others are offended, then they have the problem. Do not make it yours to bear.

My walls and storage compartments are filled with awards for one thing or another I strived for. They are the paper acknlowledgement of my skills. It is how I have used those skills that I will be judged by. Some people collect awards as some sort of proof of worthiness in their lives. For others, those paper awards are the beginning of friendships and associations that help all who come in contact with these people grow, feeling all the better for having known this person.

Friends criticize because they are offended by an action. It often means they are way outside of your decision making. Friends support because they see the value in an action, which means you have not left out the very people you need to support your decisions. Friends do not leave unless they know what we know to begin with, what we did is not just or fair and it is beyond the value of their friendship.

Those are the results of the choices we choose to make. Those are the results of not thinking through the penalty of our actions. If it holds true that for every action, there is a reaction, then it serves one best to make decisions we can live with. If the decision is worthy of us then we have no need to question.

From your post here, I have no true idea of where this is coming from, but if you feel so concerned then perhaps you need to reconsider your actions and decide if this is what you really want and if that decision is worth the agony you appear to be sending out in this post. If you do not make peace with yourself, then count on adding this decision to a growing pile of previous fears - you will quit it too.

Our greatest friend stares back at us from the mirror - we cannot compromise that friendship.

Good luck
Fran - How2-4Newbies

Comment posted by tulip at 2005-08-15 08:58:44
In my opinion it is always better to go on with realizing your plans, even when in your mind it whispers to you something different in this kind of situation. When giving in on negative thoughts, you only give it a chance to grow and get worse. Life can be difficult, but it does not mean we have to go the easy way by giving up everytime we feel anxiety or fear to fail.

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-08-19 17:52:18
Those are EXACTLY the words my father used to describe me as I was growing up. My stubborn pig-headedness infuriated my family incessantly. As a wonderful mentor and friend, Rob Gehring, said the other night: "Just tell me I CANNOT do something and I most certainly WILL!" Perhaps they're not such bad characteristics after all. :) ~

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-08-21 17:15:21
I'm not talking about being challenged to do something that I wanted to do in the first place. I'm talking outright rebellion. I'm talking about doing something that I really ought to know better than to do simply because someone decided to advise me against it. I hate being told what to do!

Comment posted by integrity at 2005-08-25 21:39:13
Eva, talking and mutual respect work! Forcing, telling from Liars leads to hatred. Just ask Bush and Blair.

Comment posted by copperhair at 2005-10-01 00:34:28
After the past few months, I could truly relate to the shirt. It just seems as though so many bad things have happened and that the world doesn't seem to be paying attention to what we would have to do to make things any better. I am glad though that I found your blog. I find it very interesting. I am at blogger, but I registered here so that I could make comments. I found the link to your site at the head docs. He is great, so I do check out his links as he adds them.

Comment posted by PrairieMade at 2005-09-07 00:44:07
Eva, I had that email as well way up here in Canada. I passed it on, whether it will do any good or not I don't know but it doesn't hurt to try.

Comment posted by Jacquie at 2005-09-07 14:06:01
When 'petrol' got too expensive here in the UK they started selling it by the litre instead of the gallon (as if that fooled anyone). Currently prices are hovering around two pounds sterling per litre, that's around $3.67 a litre (around a pint and a quarter)

Comment posted by candc at 2005-09-07 17:36:50
Very good IDEA Eva, think about this what will happen if we the "NATION" won't buy any car for, oh let's say 2 months. Then you will see their "employee discount" going to the bottom.

Let's DO IT!!

Comment posted by copperhair at 2005-09-30 23:11:26
What I think of as writers block is when I sit down in front of the screen and can't think of a single thing that I have to write about. It has happened to me lately and I am hoping that it doesn't last too long.

Comment posted by Jacquie at 2005-09-08 01:40:22
Have you seen this?
http://www.hitexchangenews.com/issue104.php

Comment posted by integrity at 2005-09-08 06:39:11
Eva really nice! Soon as I heard I joined right away! Quality people , Quality Exchange.
Randy

Comment posted by evajmah at 2005-09-08 12:27:57
Yes, Jacquie, Aaron and I have seen the latest issue of Hit Exchange News. We are estatic about the comments made! Nexus Exchange has arrived!!!

A big thank you to both Jacquie and integrity for joining the exchange and giving both Aaron and I your votes of confidence. We really appreciate the support.

Comment posted by tmeven at 2005-09-13 14:20:55
Hi Eva... thanks for the info. I know of someone in great need of this. He is manic depression/bipolar at a serious level. Costing him hundreds per month for prescriptions unless he can get samples from the doc. I will pass this info on to him.

Thanks, Tammy

Comment posted by Jacquie at 2005-09-15 07:16:31
I am so thankful for the National Health Service here in the UK.

Comment posted by Jacquie at 2005-09-18 12:41:05
The hardest thing as a parent is to accept that we are not given children, only leant them. My own kids are still small (5yrs and 11 months) but already I have had a taste. When my elder daughter started 'big' school it wasn't her with tears streaming down her face! I have every admiration for those that sacrifice their own lives and relationships to care for elderly parents but I know that if I had to do the same I would become resentful at best. This does not mean I do not love them or would ever abandon them but of course this self-knowledge carries the price of guilt.

Comment posted by aalbury759 at 2005-11-07 13:50:53
As you know you shall receive many suggestions for help.

I looked at your Mom's Picture yesterday, the two of you sharing in a way only your heart and soul will understand.

Moms are always with us watching and attempting to guide us.

When your heart cries, write for the world to see. Someone will drop by and deliver her message to you.

marjory

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-10-07 18:48:29
I went through that phase once or twice myself...lol~

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-10-13 02:24:57
Everything going my way usually is a dream. lol

Way I see it, we own only our human bodies and our thoughts are really all that exists.

Happiness is there if we think it so, therefore it belongs to us and can't be taken away. Unfortunately, it works the same with unhappiness and fear as well.~

Comment posted by drkelp at 2005-10-13 21:30:37
Hi Eva - I think the only things we get to keep are the things we give away...paradoxical really, but I know what you mean.

Comment posted by kkylara at 2005-11-03 15:59:33
Hugs

I am lucky, my mom is still here, but she is 85 and I have to think about her being gone. I wrote a poem for her birthday a couple of years ago about that. It is on my poems page if you want to read it.

Fran
http://www.franwatson.ca/poems.html

Comment posted by SeaLady at 2005-11-05 16:05:04
I feel so badly for you Eva. I am one of the lucky ones, I still have my Mom and we can talk about anything under the sun, always have been able to. But she's 72 now and not in the best of health. I hate living 5 hours away from her and only seeing her 2 times a year.

Here's what I suggest: Do you have a best friend? That can be a great help. You can also get into support groups online, you'll be amazed at how much empathy and support you can get from support groups.

I wish you much luck ...

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-11-12 00:34:03
hehe...yep, I'll be by the window, too. ;)

Comment posted by c261262 at 2005-11-12 18:24:02
The SAD time of year, I can totally relate to that Eva. It's the same here in the United Kingdom, evenings drawing in before day gets a chance to get started.

Kind Regards
Clive Anderson

Comment posted by bizybee at 2005-11-12 20:46:48
Hello Eva,

My Son also has this disorder in the winter time. I had a therapist tell me to use florecent lighting in his room, it seemed to help. Aroma Therapy might also help, as well as music, to lift your spirits and moods.

I will be asking our creater to shine his brilliant light on you and help you to overcome this, and lift your spirits now and all year long, as well for Gina and Clive.

Wishing you the Best with Abundance, successes, happiness, and loads of life's Joys.

Dorothy McCracken-bizybee
vipquest4success.com

Comment posted by zoe at 2005-11-13 07:15:36
I always feel like I'm a plant, and in the winter I don't get enough sun or water. hah! So there you have it, Eva, you're actually a rose bush.

Comment posted by Jacquie at 2005-11-13 09:14:33
Craft/needlework shops sell 'natural daylight' bulbs. These are not strong enough to use as light therapy but are much easier on the eyes than normal bulbs in desktop lamps if you find you are getting headaches. I have found some internet friends in Australia, so my cunning plan is to follow summer round the world. Just need to earn enough for the airfare now, lol

Comment posted by drkelp at 2005-11-23 18:58:59
Hi eva

Sounds like a nice dilemna to be in. I'm happy that you have found a fruitful relationship.

Regards
Grant

Comment posted by gweiss at 2005-11-27 14:19:11
Absolutely! You be back soon. HUGS!!!

Gina G Weiss
gweissestate.com

Comment posted by SeaLady at 2005-11-30 02:55:46
Eva, I know just what you mean about the holidays and the blues. For my family it's a rough time because of money. As for me, well, every year gets worse. i.e., the commercialization and high prices. Plus, everyone seems to forget what Christmas is really all about. It's very sad and depressing.

I also know what you mean about the winter blues. I get them too, really bad. I could just go to bed and hibernate just like a bear for the winter.

But you don't have to buy those expensive light boxes. Try buying light bulbs that are advertised as "daylight spectrum " lightbulbs for your lamps and light fixtures. They aren't nearly so expensive. I've got them in a couple of lights in my house and it helps some.

The other day I was so bad from SAD that I just could not keep my eyes open. I went to bed and slept most of 2 1/2 days! That's how bad it gets for me sometimes. Then woke up with a migraine had to put my night mask and icepack on, take some medication and go back to my dark bedroom to go back to sleep. We need a new mattress for the bed in this RV. I think I get migraines because of that sometimes.

I'm just trying to throw myself into my computer work as much as possible and I don't think about the winter blues so much. And spring will be upon us sooner than you think! In fact, it's time to start getting gardening magazines and picking out what I'm going to grow next year! HA!

Try to cheer up, ok? And don't feel guilty. Your mom is in a better place and you'll see her again someday. But here in this life you deserve to be happy and live a full guilt-free life. Go have fun already! :)

Glenda Schloff~~~WealthPreneur.com

Comment posted by zoe at 2005-12-03 09:23:46
I have a friend who has nightmares when they go back home. I think it's a spirit thing - there's spirits at their house that like to taunt them. I think the majority of problems they have at home are the same thing. Not always, but sometimes I think there's a third party directly causing problems for and between people. If that's true, you aren't 'over it' because it still harasses you when you are there. See what you can do to get rid of it! :) zoe

Comment posted by integrity at 2006-01-06 04:31:26
Hi Eva beyond repair? Anything is possible! One day at a time and you may be suprised how quickly it can begin to repair itself.
Happy New Year!

Comment posted by evajmah at 2006-01-08 11:34:45
Hey integrity! Great to hear from ya!! Happy New Year!

You are right. Anything is possible. But with my family, too much has happened that probably will never be forgiven. Everything went to hell after my mom died. My dad will be 80 years old this year. Even with family, it is hard to get a roomful of stubborn adults to agree to disagree.

Comment posted by tulip at 2006-01-11 09:09:51
True, sometimes the decision to leave the comfort zone and to enter the fear zone can bring you where you never thought you could be. You might discover you are stronger and can handle more than you think. Not so brave myself, remembering this keeps me going :)
Isabella

Comment posted by zoe at 2006-01-11 22:17:58
I like roller coasters - they're scary, but you know you can get off in a couple minutes ;)

Comment posted by zoe at 2006-01-18 11:49:36
plus...stuff would be really boring. you know, the spice of life and all that! ;)

Comment posted by zoe at 2006-01-23 22:49:08
I bet your therapist says, "the ones that need to talk to clam up, the ones that i don't want to hear from, won't shutup!" ;) Funny how people work!

Comment posted by integrity at 2006-02-26 21:12:11
Great question.

For me a higher power has saved my life many times. As an alcoholic (sober for 17 years), putting my trust in God saved my life! I am sure I would be dead by now with no wife and Kids that love me. Dependence or love of God has given me greater strength and to me this is not a weakness.

Try it Eva!

Randy

Comment posted by Dariana at 2006-02-07 10:25:23
I love the color purple in any shade!

Comment posted by road2freedom at 2006-12-01 13:44:31
I'm glad to hear that things are looking up for you. I have been away for a while (maybe that's why you're better), but it's good to know that you're moving right along. Have a GREAT day.

Garrey

Comment posted by evajmah at 2006-12-02 09:37:08
Garrey! You're alive!! I've been wondering what you've been up to. Drop me a line or IM me.

Comment posted by integrity at 2007-02-01 09:51:09

Hi Eva Happy for you! Your last post is so true. Keep moving and trying. All the Best!
Randy